Blog Entries
Chillin
Category: Member Blogs
Tags: mental health

I'm so excited lately. I've really been working hard towards my personal physical fitness. I've been working out, pole dancing, doing yoga, playing tennis and working on flexibility training for a while now and it's really starting to pay off. I am so much more toned up. My arms are starting to take on a beautiful shape. My waste is getting smaller and smaller. I couldn't be happier about this. I've wanted to have this kind of discipline my whole life. Drugs were always in the way. I've been clean now for two and a half years. It feels so fucking good to not have to wake up in the morning and wonder how I'm going to feed my habit. All I have to worry about today is the fact that I tore some muscles in the backs of my legs and I have a bit of pain. I am so LUCKY. Thank you to everyone who has helped get me through this shit. I thank you all. This is a personal journey and a HARD one at that, and it makes it SO MUCH EASIER when you have people in your corner cheering you on.

Founders Birthday Aug. 12th
Category: Member Blogs

Today was my birthday and it was a good one but next year I will be 40 so thats not good but oh well

http://vampyrian.spruz.com/profile/JP-Vanir/

Thrilled
Category: WebSite News

Well I am definitely happy with all the activity that has been picking up around here... I actually had a couple messages when I logged in today. So please keep up the good work everyone! I wish to see everyone contributing. I like to read the blogs. I think we should all start writing articles and contributing them to each other through our blogs/journals, or whatever you wanna call your blog. ;) † I like to pretty much keep a live journal on my sites to keep my friends posted. You guys can always comment. I always try to respond to each post. My time has been a little more limited since I became a new Mommy and all, but things are starting to calm down now as I'm slowly getting used to the hang of things. I'm happy to be back and happy to see a few others around here as well!!! Let's try to get this place up and alive again! Who is with me!??†

Emotions are weakness
Category: Member Blogs

I have always believed that Emotions are weakness but today's shows want me to believe that those who have love are stronger than those that do not love but those that have love can be defeated by those without emotions are not stopped by those they love being hurt that is why today's shows are very unrealistic...

it has been a decent summer so far
Category: Member Blogs

I am donating this month to the animal shelter for my birthday this month instead of next and ask everyone to give money to those that help animals for my birthday as well. Hopefully it will stay nice for my BDAY...

I will be 39 next month I hope I have a great one I will be spending it volunteering as usual and donate to animals:†

https://secure.aspca.org/donate/ps-gn-p2?social_referer_transaction=485991#.V3ma5jjxupU.twitter

Founders Birthday Aug. 12th 1977
Category: Member Blogs

I will be 39 next month I hope I have a great one I will be spending it volunteering as usual and donate to animals:†

https://secure.aspca.org/donate/ps-gn-p2?social_referer_transaction=485991#.V3ma5jjxupU.twitter

Have your cake and eat it too.
Category: Member Blogs

Happy Mother's Day, mom (even if I am a bit late).

I have a great deal of skill with baking. Mom taught me science and math with cookies, then when I knew my facts set me loose in the kitchen. By 8 years old, I was used to the ideal that if I wanted sweets, I had to bake them myself. Mom's thinking was that I knew how, so I should use what she taught me.

Over the years there have been plenty of new ingredients, plenty of failures, and even more successes. Mom was always the first person I asked when something went wrong, and she could often give me more science to explain how to make nearly anything better. Because of all this practice, I was the first person asked to help when a friend found out she had a gluten sensitivity. If anyone could figure out how to make cake without wheat flour, I could.

Unfortunately the woman I can thank for all of this is also unable to eat most of it. By 8 years old, I can remember mom blacking out from a small ice cream sunday shared with a friend. Sugar was something she'd always been sensitive to, and she'd been steadily reducing it in our food, but it was about that time that she had to stop eating birthday cake with everyone else.

We tried plenty of thing to make a good cake, worthwhile cookies, and a decent cheesecake. The cheesecake was the only real success. You see sugar has a special role in some recipes. It can melt, making little pockets along with baking soda an baking powder that make for a fluffy cake texture. The attempted NutraSweet cake severed better as a Frisbee than it did as a food. Even if we could get around the lack of loft, many alternative sweeteners are heat sensitive, so I can make Splenda meringue, but not Splenda cake because the sweetness bakes right out.

Now I finally have made a breakthrough. I spent quite a bit of time learning the ins and outs of an eggless chocolate muffin recipe. Because I know how it works with regular sugar, I can trouble shoot better. This time I got to make it with unrefined coconut sugar. I would know just what happened if it failed and if it worked I have muffins that taste like cupcakes.

It's not exactly a fail. The unrefined coconut sugar is not quite as sweet as regular white sugar, so the muffins didn't get the milk chocolate flavor I'm used to. What I have instead is more like a 'Death by Chocolate', rich dark chocolate that's moist, fluffy, and tender just like a cake should be. Since mom loves her dark chocolates, this was a happy accident.

The coconut sugar is only a 35 on the glycemic index, where regular white sugar is a 65. With the whole wheat flour I used having a glycemic index of 44, that means my sweetener is even lower than a whole grain. Even though it's very low on the glycemic index and doesn't cause her blood sugar to spike and crash(ending in black outs), it MELTS just like the table sugar. All of this add up to the promise of a birthday cake the whole family can eat.

Yoga Pose Myths: It's About Time!
Category: WebSite News

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7VnHi7Iu8_8

I have long been hesitant to take up much of anything of yoga because something in me said that the information I had was seriously lacking. All the references I found were of the attitude that the spiritual aspects of yoga was all about work and energy. I could just go for a walk for that and have found a long walk to be very beneficial to my spirituality. Why contort my body into odd shapes? Is there really no meaning beyond working up a sweat?

Then of course there is the cost. Get this special diet food. Get the fancy clothing. Use the right essential oils. Get the right crystals. But WHY? Where is the spiritual significance? And who decided it? When did they decide it? It often turned out that much of what I 'need' for the practice was entirely new age with very little explanation. Modern myth is fine, but not when it lacks any symbolism or meaning beyond how much money you spend. I could just give my loose change to the homeless and do more for the world and my sense of well being.

Thankfully, Alanna has taken the time to clear some things up. In addition to the presentation I included a link for, she has made a number of YouTube posts that focus on the stories behind the poses. She's given the origins a great deal of study and shared her work. Now I and anyone else can hit up her YouTube channel and learn more about the WHY of yoga instead of the how.

Those interested in adding yoga to their lives will still need to take the time to learn about posture and alignments. There is an undeniable element of physical work involved in this form of spirituality. Nobody will do your yoga poses for you. However this offers more meaning to motions that are detailed in many books, classes, and videos for those of us who would like to know WHY.

Upcycling and Organization
Category: Member Blogs

In the house I grew up in, I developed the attitude that recycling was for organized people, and we weren't even close as a family. Seem a bit apathetic to the planet? When you find yourself sifting through several feet of clutter interspersed with rot and bugs just to locate the carpet color for the first time in months you may feel differently. After all, the paper, t-shirt, cat vomit, and the apples that fell off the table are already composting in the kitchen, so maybe they'll help the decay process in the dump. The bio-hazards in the fridge left me disinclined to wash plastic, glass and metal when I just wanted to get the vile things out of the house.

Yes, I literally had to move out to learn how to live in a relatively organized environment.

Without the piles of mystery hiding the floor, I learned how to keep up on the recycling wash and sort process. I'm still working on dusting, and am not as orderly as I would like to be. A big part of the problem is the crafty and creative side of the family that has ALL members wanting to play with any DIY post we find. Minimizing can be hard work when you know how to build something, but I've slowly learned time management and prioritizing. It's taken years.

It's still a war with myself to not become my mother.

Despite all this, the coffee canisters and the yogurt tubs with their nice tight lids just looked too potentially usefully for me to scrap. Most of them could not be recycled in our area anyway, but what in the world was I going to do with those?

Mom is still mom. She still keeps stopping by with more rye flour. "I can't find it all so you must be low." More brown rice. "I couldn't find it so you must be out." More multicolored lentil beans. "I wanted the pink for dinner." More red whole wheat." I was sure It was almost gone." Now if I ACTUALY cooked with any of this stuff, it would be thoughtful, BUT I DON'T, so it makes it that much harder to find my white whole wheat, forbidden black short grain rice, almond meal, and oat flour in the collection of dry goods.

So now I have a project. All those empty yogurt tubs are getting spray painted for neat labeling. Bob's Red Mill flours may give me some nice whole grain options, but the bags were not designed for a baker to measure out of. The tubs are big enough for me to level off a cup over. The larger quantity stuff will be coming out of zip lock bags and moving to coffee canisters with more neat labeling, including water to grain and cooking time notations for my rices. While yes, it's nice to have a variety of seeds, beans, and grains to work with, it's useless if I can't make a quick check of supplies before testing a new recipe, and now I found a solution.

Some of my poems
Category: Member Blogs

Note: These poems are all my own orignial work.† Some of them have been published in other places, so please do not share my work with anyone else without my permission.† Thank you and I hope that you enjoy them.

~Darkling

______________________________

"Departed"

Whisper softly to me, cradled in the night.

Sweet songs of decadence filter out the light.

Cold death and hollow boxes,

Hidden beneath the ground.

Dancing madly, shrouded in darkness,

Tiny feet make not a sound.

Heavy bodies piled high,

Left in heaps, too torn to die.

Blood escapes in crimson pools.

The ground shimmers with ruby jewels.

Ghosts of decades past emerge,

As creatures of the night converge.

A morbid sound then fills the air,

Though not a sound the living hear.

A black cloaked man with ashen face,

Steps slowly forward to set the pace.

Skeletal maids in cobwebbed gowns,

Step from the shadows in great abounds.

Not a corpse, or soul yet to transcend,

At this macabre dance, does not attend.

A hand stretched forth with shrunken flesh,

The aggregation becomes enmeshed,

And welcomes new, a life expend,

To somber arms, an all-pervading end.

Bare feet upon the graveyard soil,

Our newly dead does release the mortal coil.

And to this one is then endowed,

Eternityís garb, a gossamer shroud.

Pulled against deathís comforting breast,

Our decedent is now laid to rest.

The moon shines down from a starry sky,

The dancers depart as the end draws nigh.

Passing through, with a mournful song,

Dead, or lost, but never gone.

____________________________________________________

"Arielle"

She walked alone
beneath the moon,
in a gown of emerald silk...
Her hair was wound,
in a crimson crown
and her skin was
made of milk...

Her slippered feet moved
along the silent, sand stone way...
She walked among the garden flowers,
as she eagerly awaited day...

She rested now upon a stone,
set near a lonely shed,
which had never known the living,
for it only housed the dead...

There is no peace to be had
in a garden so full of sorrow...
So silently, in darkness,
she waits until tomorrow...

Shadows moving throughout the night
desperately she prayers for light...

Thoughts of things left undone,
dreams of joys that
never come...

faceless specters haunt her mind,
memories from a forgotten time...

Feverish dreams of forlorn youth,
Nightmares stirring forgotten truth...

The garden glows in the moonlit air,
as she recalls he, who once stood there...

Looking down upon a covered hole,
mourning a child that sleeps below...

Amber light approaches, as the
dark of night is done...

The lady lifts her face to the horizon,
as she tearfully greets the sun...

Her ghost pale flesh ignited,
as the suns sharp rays bite her skin...

What once was is gone now;
our lady shall not weep again...

Crimson tears will fall no more,
as the flames of day embrace her...

She glimpses loves true face,
in a distant place,
as the one who went before,
awaits her...

What once had been is gone,
no more pain of need or lust...

Sweet release has finally found her,
as Lady Arielle, has gone to dust.

_________________________________________________

"My secret place"

Thereís a place I go to be alone

Where my friends all sleep beneath silent stone

Where the grass is brown and the trees forebode

Where no one ages though all are old

A place where we remain opaque

A place you sleep but never wake

A place I come to vent my fear

Although I know no one can hear

A place where I feel that I belong

Among those who are long since gone

A place where Iíll not be mocked, or turned away

A place where I think I would like to stay

This place is where Iím at my best

A place where I can finally rest

Acceptance here is what I crave

This place is where Iíll make my grave

And hope one day Iíll see

That those who live will visit me

And not forget the love Iíve shown

To those I never met but have always known

But if you never come to see my stone

Do not feel bad for Iím not alone

Iíll be just one more within this place

A forgotten name, a forgotten face

And in this place where I come to roam

Is where Iíve finally found my home


________________________________________________________

"A Brighter Darkness"

A brighter darkness corrupts me
Resentment grows within my mind
I cannot shake this feeling washing over me
I think I'm running out of time.

Sorrow fuels my hatred
It's so damn dark now I cannot see,
I want to scream in rage and claw my way
Out of the darkness...
What's this power taking hold of me?

I sleep away the hours,
Afraid to face the coming day.
My heart can't take this aggravation,
I don't know what more to say.

Life's become so overwhelming,
There's so much I'm supposed to be...
I have enough to fucking deal with,
so don't you put your shit on me!

I'm falling fast into the darkness
That has seeped into my heart.
The dark of night embraces me,
As your quiet animosity is slowly
Ripping me apart.

The chaos that you leave behind surrounds me
There is nothing more that I can do.
I cannot sink into your darkness,
Despair has placed its icy hands on you.

I will concede to nothing,
No one can ever take control of me.
I am a man of careful deliberation,
A master of my own destiny.

I see the storm that now approaches,
Though itís something I know I cannot fight...
Still, I will find a brighter darkness,
And one day walk into the light.

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